Couples Therapy

.  iFalling in love is AWESOME!

Feeling like you’re falling out of love is SCARY!

Did you know that 90% of people in relationships are ambivalent about their current partner? You are not alone.

You keep wondering why relationships start so well for you. But within 3-6 months, you notice the differences between the two of you. Your thoughts get negative, and you begin to feel irritated by the smallest things your partner says and does.

For the first time, you notice your partner is more of a homebody than you, making you nervous that your partner is more anti-social than you initially thought. After only a few months, you look for evidence that this person might not be right for you.

A question arises in your mind. “Why in every relationship do I become so critical of my partner?”

Familiarity breeds contempt.

We, humans, are attracted to people who feel familiar to us. The person feels familiar because we often pick people similar to our parents or us (ugh!).

This familiarity is excellent news! You found your personalized mirror, and now you can figure out what you need to change (because lord knows you cannot change your partner). Here is an example: Have you ever gotten irritated with your partner for being “lazy” and then later realized that laziness is something you secretly hate about yourself.

Why are you so critical about your partner’s lack of motivation when this is something you struggle with, too? Because it is not your partner that irritates; it is you.

Couples therapy offers the opportunity to look at yourself and your partner from a new perspective that can entirely turn your relationship around. Once you understand this mirror dynamic, there is so much growth that can happen very quickly.

New love feels like a fantastic adventure…

But it is risky, too. You are in a new relationship, and you just said, “I love you,” to each other for the first time. You are so excited that your partner said it, too! But you are anxious because what if he changes his mind?

What if he said it just because you said it, and he didn’t want to hurt your feelings? What if saying it pushed him away? You are so in love and know you will crash and burn if he changes his mind about you.

Love is risky! However, it is postively the best feeling in the world and we all deserve to feel it as much as possible while we are on this planetWe all crave security. But we also crave adventure and new experiences. People are drawn to roller coasters, rock climbing, hiking, and mountain bike riding, even though these activities can be terrifying.

However, joy happens when you try a new activity with your partner that is adventurous. Finding out if you are compatible with your new partner involves discovering the many mysteries about each other’s lives. Why would you want to skip this part just to feel safe?

When you nail down love…

…your anxiety about being abandoned may end – and the mystery and excitement may end, too.

Sometimes anxiety about whether your relationship will work out long term can cause unexpected conflict in a new relationship.

Many new couples think it is weird to seek couples therapy in their relationship’s beginning stage. Couples believe, “If we are already having so much conflict, this must not be the right relationship.”

Quite the contrary.

Understanding alters conflict.

There is a steep learning curve with getting to know someone intimately.

Even more challenging is the sense that the relational terrain keeps changing and shifting. Sometimes you feel joyous and entirely in sync; and at other times, you become stuck in your head, wondering why you are spending any time with this person at all.

We always start couples therapy with a conversation about how each partner views conflict. So many of us grew up in families where conflict remained behind closed doors. This “hush-hush” behavior gave children a sense that there was something shameful about conflict.

Most people find that therapy helps them shift their perspective and see conflict as an opportunity for personal growth.

Proper navigation of conflict leads to resolution.

Without the right tools, you probably notice that once you get into a downward spiral of a conflict, you both lose your ability to think and act rationally – and the conflict does not end well.

However, because we spend so much time avoiding conflict and navigating around it, we do not get a lot of practice seeing the conflict’s better side – the resolution.

So why not learn when you have someone with whom to practice and an incentive to develop a deep connection with your partner?

Vulnerability keeps the passion alive.

I firmly believe that both partners need to stay open and be vulnerable to sustain passion in relationships.

Simultaneously, both people must stay in the present and accept that no one knows what the future will bring. This acceptance requires remaining vulnerable, even when you feel threatened by perceived rejection or loss.

Fear of rejection is part of the package of love – rather than a sign that there is something wrong with the relationship. The alternative to embracing fear is to run and duck for cover in the face of the potential loss.

Love is risky, but it is precisely that risk that makes it mysterious and keeps the fire burning!

Love has everything to do with it.

Relationships are challenging, and maintaining a positive relationship requires work.

Understanding, open communication, respect, and vulnerability create intimacy and more profound love for each other.

If you are having mixed feelings about your relationship, this is a great place to start therapy as a couple. It’s never too late.

Contact me today!